this entry will be super dooper long. if u dun wanna noe anything, pls leave.

if not, ure welcome to noe wat happened recently.

i think this gonna be a very emo one. ignore my previous entry bout how much i miss him.

coz this entry is gonna be bout him. so rite now, im telling u again, onie if u wanna noe then stay, if not, u may leave.

***************************************************************************************

here goes..

i started off my saturday very fine. as usual, couldnt be bothered to wake up early. after subuh, continued to sleep n totally ignored my alarm clock. left the house at 7.30 n grabbed a taxi. reached skool at 7.40. im early i tot to myself.

i sat outside the gate waiting for the rest of the peeps. one by one started to come n alas, noraini came wit the key.

i left my things all on the table when i reached my classroom. i went straight to the office to print out the reading clinic stuffs. then check out my important mail from aussie and OC. mummy n daddy was doin fine n all. they coming over during the june holz. so its yayness.

i din get to do this very often as we werent allow to but the itchiness of my fingers made me do it. so i logged on to friendster and checked my account. theres so many msg. n i replied one by one. then a colleaque of mine came into the office. upon seeing me wit friendster, she offered me her email addy n told me to add her up. i did like wat she told me n there pop rite in front of me, her profile.

if u guys were to realise or really observant kind of ppl, u will get to see a box where they will tell u who ure connected to rite? ya so i have to squint my eyes coz her font was small n she used bright colours for it. i was shocked n over excited when i saw 'wite bear'. n so i asked her, how she actually got to noe 'white bear' aka fahmi.

i was gobsmacked. she told me fahmi was her ex boyfriend. well i can take it tho when i heard tt, ts jz tt i was like screeching to noraini who happened to be beside all these while and told her tt i have another colleaque who have the same ex bf. despite nana's ex n mai's crush, we shared the same ex also.

so i ran to the washroom to calm myself down coz im all excited n been waiting for this. so many questions to ask n all. im sure my besties noe wat i meant coz fahmi has always been very weird n all. after ive calm myself down, i went into the office once again. she was still browsing the friendster profile.

n so she asked,

she: brape lame kau matae ngan fahmi? tk sangka seh nurul.

me: lama tu lama la jgk tp tk la skjp. tk lama sgt la. alah biasa la. (me being me. always indesicive) kau?

she: aku matae ngan die da lama da dulu dulu lagi. zaman aku blom dapat ic. aku buat ic pun ngan die la. die teman kan. (n she talked about how he two time her wit her her own besfren which i dun tink i have to share wit u coz its not important anyway)

me: lama kau matae ngan die? slalu dpt jumpa die?

she: ok ok la. tk ingat plak brape lama. hari hari siol jumpa die. ku habis skola je slalu amik aku kat skola. tp skg aku da tk layan die la. die perangai mcm budak2 siol. menyampah aku nak layan die. ko ader dgr tk cite yg ader satu mat moto scrambler anta aku g keje ni..?

me: tk prasan plak. knp?

she: tu die la. die anta aku. pastu lat brape hari jumpa lagi. tu la last ku jumpa die. perangai ar die. mcm budak2. nak control2 aku. aku ckp ngan die ar perangai jgn merepek ar nak check2 hp org tanya siapa ni la siapa tu la.

me: die penah anta kau g keje? kat iman.

she: a ar.

( i was holding back my tears now.)

she: kau da penah jumpa die blom?

me: da. tp tk slalu mcm maner kau dapat jumpa die hari2. makna nya, masa aku matae ngan die pun, die masih nak baik2 ngan jgk la kan?

she: agaknya la nurul. ader la tahun lepas bulan tujuh tk silap, aku jalan2 kat causeway pt, terserempak die ngan satu pompan, die pimpin tgn pompan tu. bih die kenal kan aku tu gerl die.

(my heart break)

she: terus dari situ kite contact balik n die nak baik2 ngan aku plak. aku tak tau yg die ngah matae ngan kau skali, bih aku plak tk pasal la kalau die nak kawan kan? tapi ko jgn bimbang ar nurul, ku da tak kawan ngan die lagi.

me: masalahnya skg, kite ngah process nak baik2 tau ni. alah. aku kena tipu la ni. jd mcm bodoh gitu seh. die skg ngah mc kat kan umah. die tk keje 2 bulan tk silap.

she: otak kau keje. die kan masih skola. ape kau?

me: hah? skola? die kan keje? kat IBM european marketing?

she: sial pe jantan! nurul! die tu masih skola lagi. kat ITE tamp. keje part time shift malam kt 7 eleven. ape yg ko tau pasal fahmi nie. kau blg aku. kau kena tipu seh rul..

me: die blg aku, umur die 22 tahun nie. die grad from tampiness sec then g spore poly wit dip in manufacturing engineering. die dulu keje manager kat SFI, skali die berhenti kerja kat IBM european market as excutive manager. n die tk tgl ngan mak die skg. recently die kena accident.

she: pembohong sia dektu! die baru 20. die dulu skola siglap sec k. n die tak masuk poly. die masuk ite tamp. die masih skola skg. part time 7 eleven. bih kalau die tk tgl ngan mak die bih ngan sape? nenek die? ngan mak die la!

i cried already when i heard all those. 2 straight yrs n 6 mths i was being cheated. she consoled me. she hugged me. i din blame her anyway. it wasnt her fault. its his fault.

she msg him coz when i msg him he din reply. she asked y i have to do tt to her friend. he replied at least i din do it to u. n he did all those wit reasons. he still have the cheek to tell her tt actually me n him are in a process to be in good term once again. shit rite?!

the whole day i was stoned. but still i deliver my lesson properly. thanks to my K1. they cheered me up. he onie replied to me at noon. i was dead reading his msg.

' sepandai pandai tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jugak tau! pembohong!'

his reply: 'u noe everything already. wat done is done. my mistake i tk pernah mintak pape dari u atau disturb, i tk ader pape hutang dengan, its my fault and u can 4eva blame me, tp i tk mintak pape atau disturb ur life, i got my reasons i made a break last time 4 a reason so paham2 la kae. im sori. no hal wit u. take care i noe its hard. bye2!'

'its not hard. knowing u tt ure a liar. go seek psychiatrist'

his reply: 'im not sick i was jz being childish back then..finally the truth is out, good then. kae bye2!'

'allah is almighty. he wants me to realise this thing tt have been goin on for so long already. jz study hard in ITE.'

i was so emotional tt day. since i dun wan my mom to noe, i slept the whole day after i reached hm from skool. to avoid from being qn. before maghrib i woke up. since noraini n huda cancelled the meeting to watched take the lead for the second time, i was so so bored. n decided to ask my bro out. n so we watched me the movie. a late nite movie n reached home at 1 am on the dot.

before i went to sleep i msg him one last time..

'let me say this to u, for once and for all. so i can sleep and lead my life peacefully. uve been a great boyfie and at the same time a great liar also. i respected u so bad n really tot ure the one in million kinda guy. among of the guys tt im wit, i tot theirs are the worse n ours are the special one. but it turns out the worse of all. all the songs tt u sang and dedicated it to me, wrote for me, ure such a mir nice guy, but at the same time, ure such a skeez. but hey, i never stop loving u until this morning when the truth all came out. truth hurt ya noe. no wonder u dun allow me to talk bout u to my friends very often.u made me n my friend think highly bout u. fee tot tt im lucky coz i was once being love by someone who is worth loving for. but everything is the opp now. fahmi, terima kasih atas apa yg kau da lakukan ni. puisi, lagu n kata2 yang kau pernah lafaz kan, aku harap kau ucapkan dengan ikhlas. jagad iri baik2 n belajar la dengan rajin. ubah la perangai kau tu. aku doa kan moga2 kau dapat rahmat darinya. selamat tinggal teman.'

surprisingly he replied, ' okae go! wat done is done. hate me la n tink wat u want abt me. im happy the truth is out but not how i lied to u. we r all living in a world of pretence thanks for ur prayers and god da balasnye wit metals n scar wit me for life. hmm i tk penah disturb or kacau ur life atau now, kae tk care. adios..'

pig!

cant believe tt im so stupid n was so so so naive. theres alot more tt happen, but im jz plain lazy to type it all out. my heart ache as i type it out. it hurt me alot.

i miss him so much. but how?

okie okie im all excited to update my bloggie due to some personal reasons ya. i was wondering n let out a huge sigh wen i saw sth slipped off from my album. it was late dylan's makeover photo! the one tt we went together. but it seems tt i onie have his. n im absolutely sure mine is wit him. i was super dooper freaking happy coz before i actually went to bed ytd nite, i was talking all to myself. like as tho dylan was listening to me. i told him how much i actually miss him when actually i jz met moon under my void deck.

so this morning, when my lovely bro packed my stuffs into my marilynn monroe's bag, i decided to chucked the whole thick album away when tt photo slipped off! argh! i actually had dylan's copy out of no where. before tt, a few days ago, marque gave me his photo. tt really shocked me as me myself dun have a copy of it in my comp, but the has it. weird aye. he said he had onie a few as last time he used to have a thing for me, n asked my pic from yan.

i made him sent to me all those pics n decided to develop it n frame it. but it seems tt i oready have it! i m so so so happy! n in case u ppl have been waiting for this moment, how dylan look like n all,this is how he actually looked like..

Muhd Mikhail Bob Junior Dylan

amacam? krg puas tak? hehe

taking care.

i wish to update tts y..

received a call from yan. said he jz actually tagged me. tagged n then call. im lucky.

okie. he actually called me jz now after such a long time of dissappearing. not him, as in jeff. but him as in another one la. which i tink i cant really wanna mention the name as yet. then moon called and asked me if i watched suria segar.

*ahakz*

onie fee lesbo noe how i felt while watching it. i was in cloud nine. the fact tt i even told fee everything. geeez. but hey he asked me out man. i was dumbfounded. but too bad, he asked me out on sat, n ive already made plans wit mai. shootz.

then later i was browsing thru some old sketches from my old time folio. im such an indesicive freak. to throw or not to throw. half of it is with gong. he use it for his NAFA interview. n im not sure if he cud make it thru. the last time i called him and asked bout the outcome, he said tt he go NS first then continue study. wat rubbish.

i was all alone at home when a pvt no called me. i tot it was bell or noni. but it turned out to be fiq. for a long time oready he was all silent, then today, rather unlucky nite, he called me. he said he need my opinion. i guess he was now all alone wit no one to tok to. hes currently in a very bad mood. pity him. n so we talked. n chatted. n shared. n ya. comment on some stuffs. he said he misses all of us. its been a long time we've been ignoring him. pity him la eh.

but..its him whos asking for it wat. it aint my fault anyway. if he were to go back wit her. then bubbye boifren!

im out. look at the time aye. i need to rest.

okie actually someone commented not to make my blog look or sound dead. okie i get it. tt mean i have to update it regularly.

but the thing is i can update it regularly provided if i have the free time. and also the idea on wat to update about. coz i dun fancy update stuffs which arent really related to my facets of life. so ya.

fee, guess wat happen? pernah dgr tk nama lelaki ni, abdul rahman. i bet u still rmb him rite? guess wat he did. he msg-ed me back la shitz. saying he rmb me. hehe tk bleh angkz.

moon a.k.a im was on teevee. hes cute neh.

anyway, i went for a blind date. n it sux. dun ask me y. coz i dun wish to rmb bout tt thing also. haiyah.

i will never go to such blind date anymore.

for now la i mean..

peh!

tired, but so many things to do..how neh?

okie. im not goin to share wat happened on friday when we girlfriends went to el-sheikh for dinner. i m not gonna elaborate. wat im gonna say in here, the service, was a BIG NO-NO!

to tt guy, tt mat tappered guy, go n loosen ur pants, so there will be enuff blood circulation n tt the blood will not onie be boiling in ur head! sickening. okie okie. fernitto. (or ditto? argh. forget it.)

okie im too tired to blog anything today actually. the fact tt i jz got home from a very tired n boring picnic. well i din go cycling or went for a swim or played football wit my bro or worse, gossiping! i did none of those. but still im feeling so dead. cold n buried. coz first thing first, ppl tt came for the picnic, was hardcore boring. (ayah's colleque's children was kinda quiet!) n since mothers nature is not on my side, i cant go swimming. spent MOST of my time doing NOTHING. absolutely nothing. if i noe tt this thing will gonna be this dead, i will go to netball without any hesitations seh.

peh. but it was all past now. i have to do kids meeting slides but my powerpoint 'mrajuk' wit me. so i cant do both kids meeting n assembly slides. haiyah. pending summore. dunnoe till when. i dun want to slack on week 5 anymore. coz i did on week 4. bad me. pity my yale.

very irresponsible! if mdm got to find out bout this, im gonna be in deep TROUBLE!

haiz. i shud stop saying haiz.

haiyah.

well...

things are not goin fine between me n mat nor. watever is wrong wit him i also dunnoe. he is being super dooper emotional. n i jz cant tolerate with such behaviour. tried calling jeff but cant get thru. ive been setting n telling myself to always think the positive n throw away the negative tots tt i have. maybe he have to settling sth over there which is very much important than calling n inform me.

haiyah. iryan called me, n told me tt he already misses me.

well i miss u too..

i knew i have to..

back from hibernating. well i simply dunnoe wat to update in here coz wat i went thru was undescribable. i spent the whole week wit iryan. we totally pampered ouselves wit high class treatment. it was the heaven's week i told ya. n ive received pretty comments coz i dressed up head to toe for the whole week. everyday after job, we met, had luxurious dinner. n chill under the moonlight. and talk n share some stuffs. went for ear candling. he treated me to hair relaxer at vidal sassoon salon.

before he left for the flight on friday morning, we had our wee hours dinner cum supper n early breakie at dylan's mansion. n now tt house was totally empty n abandoned for good. leaving the good n bad memories behind. i was touched when i saw my baby skatie was still hanging on his blue wall. left untouched. a whole stretched of donna karen's and levi's watch owned by dylan. my board shorts . rip curl n roxy board shorts n flip flops, was there all these while collecting dust. our travelling suit case louis vuiton was inside his computer room. his iMAC n lappie was also left untouched. it was all abandoned wit no fingerprints. undisturbed.

yan took dylan's skate shoes. shorty n dc. coz he was told to take it. i told him to bring along my deck so he can always rmb me. but he said its too pain to bring it along coz he cant afford to carry the burden of missing me. awwww! tts so sweet of him. i saw my gucci hand bag. the one wit black n gold lining. i rmb i only wore it once for his function at hyatt hotel. it was too grand, n it wasnt really an informal flavour. tot of bringing my deck along. but i jz cant take it off the wall, coz it wud then be very bare. n there will be no more connections between me n him anymore if i were to step into tt house again. insya allah.

his boss n ferrari perfume was still brand new. n his polo was half filled. when we entered his walk in wardrobe, i felt tt im being surrounded n hugged by dylan. his tuxedo, shirts, tees, school uniforms..beanie, shorts, pants, shoes. haversack. all was so damn perfect. i cried. coz i tink im starting to miss him so bad. yan managed to control n console me. there hanging on his wardrobe wall was our portrait. it was siliconed to the wall. n its fixed.

haiz. theres lots to mention. i need to breathe....

i miss u

so saturday after work, took cab with farhana, hada and mai to nuran's place. i was too tired to take bus. coz i was rushing. n i cant rush. once i rush, i'll drain myself inside out. everything was perfect for nuran on tt day. she was looking seriously gorgeous and so-sweet-kencing-manis. she wore this gold kebaya n gold veil. ahh love it on her!

i have to leave early. leaving my lesbos behind coz i have to droped by my aunt's place. have matters to discuss n it went perfectly a-ok. after met them, i have to leave also coz im meeting the bunchies. ya. like ive mentioned in the earlier entry.

n so moon fetched me under void deck. the moment i stepped into his car, he told me sth in which really excites me.

'eh beb, kekasih lama ko join kitorang sume tau. anjat boboy! ku nak gi pick up die skg. ko teka ar sape eh beb...'

so i was like guessing all the way. trying to re-call who the hell my ex tt they noe n click so well. n have to be fetch summore. i was thinking all the way untill when it reaches to this particular area, looked very familiar, n i was like...

'MOON! IRYAN SHAH JOIN KITE?? IRYAN AKU???!!!'

moon n yana n khai was like shouting "hell yeah!!"

so u can imagine la eh how happy i was. how excited i was at tt period of time. when we reached his nenek's house, he's already under the void deck. smoking. i was so so so so happy. n tt was the time when i realised tt i forgot to bring my digi along. coz i tot its onie the usual us. so no need to bring la. when moon stopped the car, i opened n ran to him, he welcomed me wit open arm. n i hugged him!

hehe. i was floating when i was in his arm. he smell nice. n i looked at him. he is so handsome. nth change. except for his hair. longer n silky smooth. n the fringe is killing me i say. sooooo cute....!

believe it or not, im wit him the whole nite. we spent the whole nite talking n sharing. n when its time to go, he gave one last hug n kiss me good nite. haiz.

n now. i miss him so bad..