hw shud i say? am i jz stubborn or too blur to think?
or worse. stupid enuff to use the common sense?
my mind is in topsy-turvy rite now. wit endless werkload.
endless and endless last minute job. lining up assignments.
and the foremost. him.
hw worse cud it be.

i wudnt dare to say im happy. for now i mean.
its chaotic. in a world of silence.
do i really deserve to face all these? its like dejavoo.
after one another. wats tt supposed to mean?
sum ppl said i mite be hit by the "urban legend" kinda thing.
nah. nonsence. its utterly crappiness.
but. not once but twice in a year.
how bad cud tt be?

things arent werking btwn me n boyfie.
ya. i noe u guys can actually repeat to tt line.
its oways not werking not werking not werking.
i myself am wondering when it gonna werk.
real smooth i mean. coz ive been longing for tt eversince i had wit
the late dylan.
he said hes confuse n got no ans to all my qns.
he kept on saying tt hes not gd for me.
cant fetch me from werk. cant buy me stuffs.
no money. love his bro more than myself.
but. he din brought up the topic when i..

-was there for him when hes down wit his mom.
-was pissed wit his lil bro 'ass'titude.
-was there to help him financially. in all matters.
-was there wit him when hes sick for a week.
-was there physically,emotionally. FINANCIALLY!
yes. so.

do i care if he din fetch me from werk or from my courses?
do i care if he cant meet me coz he wants to go out wit his lil bro?
do i get pissed when he cancel our date juz to spent time wit his bro?
do i go crazy n stuffs if i cant get the things tt i want from him?
one werd: never. i noe and understand this phrase pretty well..

"air dicincang takkan putus"

like ive mention b4,i m emotionally n physically n mentally prepared.
jz to be wit him.
but he nvr knew bout this.
coz,all he cud tink of is his bro.
i love my bro so much. his too.
but he is overly possesed in loving his bro.
i m sad. i dun deserve this.
im sick n tired of shedding tears for him.

i can still reminisce wat he told me a few nites b4..

" u noe hw deep is my love my for u? deep down to the core"
" u noe hw wide my love n care for u? the wide space in the galaxy.."

schweet huh. but wait i missed one line.

"but adek is more than tt. hes the deepest of all. and the widest."

truth hurts. but i dun care. after all. its his lil bro.

haiz. bt nw its over. to me.
enuff said.

boulevard of broken dreams.

salamz. back from hibernating. been utterly bz. so mind u.
hmm. apparently things are getting really out of hand.
well not really though. i lied. *winkz*
nah. things jz got pretty 'too-hard-to-mention-kinda-thing'.

ignore tt.

niways,went to tamp wit boyfie jz now.
coz i dun wanna go alone. to n fro.
so called him up n meet him n off to tamp together.
damn i miss him so.
he waited for me at the ntuc nearby while i go get my stuffs.
and rite now,boyfie is having conflict wit his all time favourite,
Muhd Nazri. his lil bro of coz.
haiz. im dumbfounded though. gobsmacked.
coz both are correct and wrong at the same time..

boyfie's right thing : - everything tt he did,his adek will come first
and no one else
- he took time off juz for his adek tersayang. just to go
and spent time watching movie wit him.
boyfie's wrong thing: - watever he planned,die die must follow. die die must
ok go kinda ting.
- nvr wanna save up extra bux for future use. big spender.

adek's right thing : - love the brother hell alot. too. everything,abg this abg that.
love his bro like how his bro love him.
- dun wanna see anyone get hurt, end up he himself leading his
own life in misery. n tts fine to him.
adek's wrong thing : - he have frens too. n needs freedon too. he dun wanna b labelised
as 'pem'bastard. mat bubble.
- he told his abg he is not goin out wit him. instead he wanna go out
wit his frens. and when come to the fact tt,his abg cannot accept
rejections.

haiz. adek beradek ejek-mengejek. akak duduk relek.
taknak masuk campor. takut makin kecoh.
akak hanya bleh kata dua2 betol,dua2 salah
sblom pape terjadi,baik ku blah.

aper ku mepek?!

done wit assignments!

salamz. im done wit my assignments. alhamdulillah. now all i need is the pictures.
im gonna observe nurul ain from al-azhar 2. juz hope nth gonna corrupt anything tmr.
received sms from mdm jz now. the sight words are soooooo long.
wat the heck!

n im not gonna mit boyfie till like in a mths time. we're gonna mit up
on the second week of puasa. reason? its a uniqe reason i tell ya. onie me n him noes wats the
reason. altho its hard for me to agree wit it,but im gonna give a try. yeah he admit n said also tt he misses me alot. but we have to learn to be patient. hmm

niways,jz got back from IKEA. did a lil bit of shopping. some decors for the upcoming festivals. eveything is now prepared early.

its settle n done wit.

salamz. alhamdulillah. things went back like how it used to be.
i tink he re-gain his senses back once again. so now we're like the two love birds.
same like before.

wanna roll out a few rules. so we wont be repeating the same mistake over again.
i told him its a sickenin experience to have conflict wit him. but
1 thing which really made me happy is tt he realise his mistake. but guys being guys,
the egoistic level is very high. nvr wanna admit. but haiz.

wat pass is pass aite. everyone chill now.

sat. tmr. im gonna hv underground performace. woohoo! after such a long
time of hibernation. i re-frain myself from drinking cold drinks. haha. must take
gd care of the voice maa. scared tmr morning when wake-up,no voice. tragic
i tell ya..

well cant help it. so sleepy. got dishes then after tt,BOOM. sleep lor. not gonna
call boyfie coz credit 0. so no use. gonna misch ya boyfie.

assignment is still pending.
*ergh*

when will this thing end?

salams. this thing is like goin on forever.
hell forever i tell ya.
nth gonna change now i guess.
how shud i say huh. silence wont werk?
ya. but tts juz how things gonna goes. things are not gonna work out if
i onie hear from one part n not the other.
ive already spoke to ur mama. she understands me. how come u din.
u once said u love me coz im very understanding n can love ur adik like jz how u did.
if im being understanding,how come u cant?
have u been very understanding towards me?
if im being very unreasonable n very calculative,i tell u wat.
every single thing tt we did n i fork out i wud word vomit about everything.
but one werd. respect. i respect u. coz i wanna gain respect from u.
ever heard of the saying goes? respect others if u want to be respected.
its all a matter of fact that if uve realised all this while or not. look. this is not wat
ive planned when im wit u.
ive been utterly mind n soul prepared when wanting to be wit u. im sure
we're gonna go thru all these obstacles. i bet u din noe nithing bout this. ya i nvr mention.
i noe. coz this got nth to do wit u. i guess u still dunnoe me.
i knew u too well.

i dunnoe how. i dunnoe y. to re-gain ur understanding. ur trust.
is my mistake really tt bad? so bad tt u ignore me for 2 damn days.
let me re-call.
5th of Sept 2005. Monday.
u called me. tell me to be ready by 10.30. u called me at 9.45.
im stil asleep. mind u.
so i got ready by 10.15. waited for u. 10.45 msg-ed u.
"where r u?" no reply. 11.30 u called. u told me to come down.
waited another 10 mins. u din apologise. din say nithing. instead u asked.
y look so bored n angry. but i dun wanna let u noe tt im pissed.
i said nth. coz i noe its a small matter. not necessary to make it big.
later late afternoon. u called. chatted for a few mins. u forgot our day.
but i dun mind. u forgot our promises. but its okie.

later at 5.15. u called. meet up to pass stuffs. i cancelled my meeting wit my fren.
then u asked me out. go IMM. get down by 6.00. i did. say u cant leave the house yet.
ur sis not hm yet n u cant leave ur niece alone. k i dun mind.
u called. u said u nd 10 bux. told ya i dun have any. u sounded diff. 6.35 u came. walked to u.
u ignore. u din smile. u din looked at me. a few mins later then u acted tt uve realised i
was standing there all along. gave ur stuff. u gave mine.
talked to me wit full of sarcasm. haiz. i talked to u nicely.
tts when i let out everything. u cant take it. u called up ur fren. i noe its a gerl. u talked
to her all the way to mrt station. till we board the train. u ignore me completely.
wats tt suppose to mean? i left u at kranji. coz i was hurt when u said this to ur fren..
" hari ni semua org mood suay. nasib baik kau call. ader mood sikit."
well. what n hu am i to u? a fool?
i heard u said to adek, "thats it. kalau kakak turun."
ok fine.
so adek try to comfort me. but u heck care. egoistic.
i let u cool down. at 10. called u. mama answered. while she was talking. line went dead.
batt flat. mind u.

ytd. called u again. u refuse to ans any of my call. fine.
at nite. i apologise myself to mama. she accept it. she wasnt even pissed at me.
haiz. y u?

need me to say anything more..????????

complicated.

salamz. been not very good wit boyfie.
its complicated i tell ya.
alll this while ive been forking out everything n this is wat i get in returned.
all this while ive been loyal n truthful to him n dis is how i was treated.
all this while ive been listening to him every single thing he said n this is how i was being
judge.
all this while ive been so much in love wit him..
n this is how..

..
..
..
haiz.

i miss my boyfie. but y mus this thing happen.
its not good when parents are involve in this kind of situation.
fortunately,my parents are the laid back type.
i love being in love n being love in return.
not being dissed over n over again.
i had enuff wit failure relationships. n its time for me to think bout wats the outcome.
i understand. karma.
but i dun deserve it.
ouh pls help me to b strong.
grant me faith. lots of it.
grant me understanding.
grant me patient.
grant me to be strong to overcome the obstacles.

is there anyone out there coz its getting harder n harder to breathe..

salamz.

bubbye term 3. helliu term 4. teachers day jus passed. received lots of prezzie. thanks to all my kiddos. love u all to bits.

received lots of chocolates. magnets. flowers. teddies. brooch. cards. n lots of them. the dinner was okie okie. it was on a ferry. was drop dead hungry while waiting to board the ferry. imagine,all of us waited for the nite to stuff lots of food. overall the dinner was superb la. a memorable one. got a tin of khong ghuan biscuit by a secret pal. thanks eh. n received a gift from kak roz a.k.a tcr roz. a plain purple songket n frame. i loike..

i guess i mite be the most luckiest teacher to get such gift.. from a colleque.

went out wit cookie boyfie on thursday. together wit adek. went to town. far east. bought his prezzie. then to ngee ann n had seoul garden. tt will the first and the last time. all of us suffers from diarrhoea. damn. took some pix. first time in my life of 19 yrs took pix wit full of silence. awkward but true. boyfie stayed pretty quiet.

tmr. im attendin a dinner at assyafaah mosque. an official opening for tt mosque. mdm nor want us to go as its a reward as being the best co teaching partner; me, fee n marsylla. well mar decided not to go as she have plans wit her papa. niways.

im so sleepy. called cookie boyfie but to no avail. guess he hit the bed so soon. aite. gtg. got some dishes to do.

salamz.

missing ma dearie boyfie..