I'm lying here thinking of you,
thinking of how you hurt me,
and how you could have
done such a horrible thing.

You do not know how much
I love and care for you.
I lie awake night after night
and wonder what I ever did
to deserve what you have
done to me.

I told you my dreams, my stories,
and my most painful memories,
and all I got from you
was loneliness, a broken heart,
and nights of lost sleep.

You will never understand
what I go through when I'm alone,
and how hard I try
to get on with my life without you,
but I know it is not possible.

I try to be cheerful
on the outside,
but my inside is killing me
with the thought of you,
and how much we could have been.

I don't know if I can ever
tell you how I feel,
and how I can explain to you
how you hurt me
when you used me
and then cheated on me.

Everyone tells me
to just get over you
because you are not worth
all those tears,
but I know in my heart
that I will always love you.

Well, these are my unspoken words
that you will never hear
because I am sure
you don't even care.

Specially for STRANGER..

who never fails to make me wonder wat he wants from me. no matter wat.

I dunnoe wats the real reason here in which u left behind such sarcastic and immature comments. It is demoralising for your information but being u who is a being wit no hearts n feelings. U gave me comments tt is sooooo pathetic n i dun tink so it can really bring me down. Frankly i m hurt, but i dun give a damn. I din give u attention about wat u did previously. But it seems tt u never give up. N no worries. I dun mind at all coz my friends and i jolly well noe hu am i. Theres no need for u to tell them that im full of crap, tt im faking all my entries, that my blog are jz fake fake fake! No NO! Im not word vomitting but it seems tt im the type tt stands for my own right and apparently wat im doin here is exactly wat ive said.

I had enuff wit all ur nonsensical stuffs. If my blog n entries really sores ur heart when u read it or din satisfy u in any other way, then by all means, leave. Like wat i texted above, this is my blog n its my say. If u dun like it, its a pleasure to leave this bloggie and go away. Literally, i bet u can read it rite. coZ it wasnt really difficult for ya to understand. wat has been said its easy to capture. well unless ure naturally a dumb morphos! watever u said was really a disheartening for me, but hey, theres a limit to everything. my friends do noe tt im sensitive but its just tt the situations that made them indesicive. do u even get wat im trying to say? n well, they do have hearts, its ure the one who are jz a piece of junk whom is lacking of love, care and concern n worse of all attentions. tt is y ure oogling in my bloggie here, wrote immoral comments jz to seek attention and trying to satisfy the evil satisfaction in u.

frankly speaking, i m not angry. but wat u did at my taggie was way beyond the limits. wats the real reason anyway by doin all these. ure still a coward do u even noe tt? i told u for the umpteenth time to reveal the true u but instead u still keep urself unknown. u dun have guts i tell u. ure jus someone whom sick wit ur own lame life. die u stranger!

i DARE u to reveal ur true identity. and suck on tt stranger thingy. it juz wont work. i dun work wit immaturity. n u better be the someone whom i noe too well n not somone who is more likely to be a REAL stranger to me n claims tt u noe every one single thing tt i did n interfere wit. i tink i rarely know who u are coz im not dumb. watever u did, was juz at the tip of my finger. now, dun u even tot of asking me to guess hu u are. i repeat, REVEAL YOUR TRUE IDENTITY!
u need to be for real!

frankly speaking, i m super dooper emotional. lately, ive lost my bunchies. jz bcoz i couldnt make it to one of their nites. wat tt make things worse was, i missed the bay beat in which we the bunchies have planned it way much earlier.

its hurtful hearing ur own bunchies dissing u from head to toe. calling u names in which u barely know urself tt u arent. i was devastated for few days. the kiddies trying their very best to cheer me up. some tot tt im having my PMS. but tts not the reason. i was damn pissed. the real reason i din turn up for tt nite was i am settling my pending job. n have my own personal reasons as to y i dun wanna step into tt place anymore. n the reason tt i miss bay beat this year was family matters. i cant be leaving my family behind for u guys. i mean theres always next year. n i dun tink bay beat this year was rather important altho i noe electrico was involved this year.

apparently my favies fik n moon din open thier mouth to side me. they jz kept quiet when sheikh hit me from head to toe. i was at tt point of time was speechless. almost breathless. i mean tt was it? there goes our donkey years of frenships? jz bcoz of tt n u guys decided tt i shud go on seperate ways n out from Chaotic DeHecticFractic! marque cried. i heard him crying. bt still he din say anything. he din stopped sheikh from doing it. the rest like flo n sheeka. both went completely silent. i hung up the fone to end the conflict n worse, the friendships.

ps: Text will be in malay..

Sheikh, pasal malam tu je, kau perangai ngan aku smp mcm ni skali? smp hati kau. kalau kau nk ganti kan aku, by all means. aku tk penah halang. tp aku tak sangka yg kau ni sememangnya tamak dari segi ape pun. semoga slamat la CHF bile da kat dlm genggaman kau.

Fik, tk sangka yang aku sebenarnya berkawan dgn seorang lelaki yang sememangnya tk kenal erti kawan. apa makna nya ni semua? kau sanggup tunduk n dgr apa semua sheikh ckp kat aku. kau tk berani nk suarakan diri kau, menyebelahkan diri aku ni. kau tau kan aku bkn sengaja tk hadir mlm tu? kau tau kan status keluarga aku? kau kejam fik.

Moon, u lagi sorang. i tk sangka u pun sama jgk. i ingat kan u syg i, tp tu semua lakonan. depan members lain, u kata u caring kat i. sayang kat i. tp skg, bila i kena caci, u mati kutu? syg ape tu? caring ape tu? sanggup tgk kwn baik die sendiri dihina keji. moon, fikirla, aku tk join krg mlm tu sbb ape? sbb keluarga ngan kerja? bkn sbb malas. tp krg, mcm selalu ajer aku bubble krg. krg semua tk pernah faham isi hati dan naluri aku.

Marque, Flo, Sheeka, Opie, Epul ngan Alang. maner semangat membakar krg yg bersatu kite teguh, bercerai kite roboh? btol la ader pepatah melayu nie, hangat2 tahi ayam. semangat persahabatan krg hanyalah semangat kebabian.

krg tau aku sensitive tp krg tak tau mcm maner nak jaga hati aku.

aku sedih setelah kehilangan krg semua. aku sedih sgt. sudah cukup la lepas satu, satu hilang dalam hidup aku. aku sedih, tp aku tkkn menyesal. ingat, aper yg kite lalui bersama, sandar kan la pada kenangan.

all the best la utk krg nye plan akan dtg. aku tunggu je la hasil nyer..

stories of my life, searching for the right, but it keeps avoiding me..

salamz loyalties.

i cant believe it that actually this year i gave baybeat a miss. haiyah. coz its all because of the family matters la. sister celebrating her bday today n mom decided to celebrated it the day before at johore. so we had our dinner there at gazebo place. n saw farhana from tamp.

eat lots of food la. but still i cant believe it tt i actually miss baybeat.

shoots!

salam alaiki..

i started to feel very weird lately. i dunnoe wats the possible reasons but its really disturbing me so bad la. i kept on having the negative thinking bout sth in which i shudnt be doin lots of thinking on it..

apparently, khai called me n said tt he already have his dip in his hand. i congratulate him jz now n said tt im happy for him. *smiles*

i have nutting much to update.

goin off for now. daaaa~

salamz loyalties..

today the whole day din do anything much. read here n there. watch tonnes of movies. im being sooooo lethargic. dun wanna do the task cards. not wanting to do the phonics slides. haiyah..

im happy tt finally i have my own partner now. n wat really cheers me up is tt we're off the same height. same tall. n i can depend on her. at least la kan. since the beginning of the year ive been like single handled almost everything la kan. i said almost okie. ( READ:ALMOST )

niways, i have this feeling for this few days already. felt like vomitting onie. i dunnoe y.

HELP!

salamz loyalties..

i really took such a long time to update ey? yeah ive been really really bz this week. apologies loyalties..

al-fateha for Muhammad Ridzuan B Kamaruzaman's dad, Allahyarham Kamaruzaman B Sha'arani, who passed away due to heart attack. semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat, Amin.

who ia this stranger? wat did i do tt hes soooooo freakingky damn towards me. wat did i do? i mean which entry is he referring to? which entry tt he is trying say tt im faking on it. it was bloody disheartening upon reading my taggy with such msg-es. for goodness sake, if u have any problem wit me, u can personally leave behind ur email addy n we can discuss this matter professionally. i cant tolerate with such nonsencical behaviour. thanks to someone. at least he noes tt im not faking anything, which is absolutely true tt im not faking anything.

i was sitting on my bed while waiting for isya'. still wit my praying veil,n in my hand i was holding the quran. rite after i finish reciting it, my fone rang. took a peep, n i saw a pvt number. my heart beats real fast. so suddenly. im not sure y but the feelings was jz suddenly. i dun dare to answer the call, i let it ring. soon after, i continued to solat for isya'.

then, i continued reading my harry porter. as i was reading it, n when it reached the climax, my phone rang again. another pvt number. i dun dare to pick up calls from a pvt number. i plucked up the courage and answer the fone...

me: hello..

there: assalammmualaikum. boleh bercakap dengan nurulhuda?

me: waalaikummussalam warahmatullah. ye huda cakap. siapa tu?

there: syukur alhamdulillah. akhirnya dapat jugak ana berbual ngan anti. ana Ridwan. kawan lama anti..

me: ridwan? maaf tp ini ridwan yang maner?

there: ridwan. kawan satu sekolah dgn anti dulu kat madrasah en-naeem. kite satu class semasa kite menengah satu ngan dua. lepas tu, ana berhenti, itu yang ana lost contact ngan anti..

i thought to myself...

me: masya allah! ridwan. isy. awak! maner awak menghilang?? alahai! ana anti plak ngan kite...

there: hehe saje je. yelah, nak imbas kembali zaman2 skola dulu, masa baru2 nak kenal2 ngan awak. kan kite bobal ana anti ngan awak. ingat??

me: hehe takkan la tak ingat kan. ler...maner dapat number? baru skg ke carik kite? slama ni mana awak pegi..?

n there goes our conversation. imagine if i din answer tt fone call, n i never want to ans any pvt number fone calls, there goes my chance to re-forge my friendship to a very long time fren. he said he tried calling me numerous time, bt he said i nvr wanna ans. n surprisingly he still never stop trying. he returned my smile, after for a while tt it has been faded.

gonna be a lengthy one ya..

olaz loyalties. apologies if i went missing for a long period of time. was busy to the max n my schedule was rather tight. jz ytd i got a breather.

well let me recap one by one wat actually happened for the past of one week. hmm. the last time i went out was wit my long time fren zul n my nafa buddy, khai. tt was frankly the last time. then skool re-opened. it was a blast meeting all of them. my yale one was getting lesser n lesser. at first, only amsyar is leaving us. but then, on monday morning, mdm told me tt fatimah was transferred to the pra-madrasah week end class. so im left wit onie 10 students. so long as zuqarnie din leave me, then im fine wit it.

my yale 2 was doin fine. i have one new student. a very quiet almost dead student. never talk. never smile. n onie received a little respond from him. i tink he will soon voice out. patience ya.

the whole of the week was the revision week. so it was okie la. kinda bored when it reaches weekend la. esp on fri. super dooper bored lor. morning i have to rush. coz i have to choreographe a dance for the k2 class. n since im alone for the whole week, i have to run to n fro n not being caught of neglecting the kids for 45 minutes.

enuff bout the skool, now lets hit to the weekend activities tt i did.

sat. as usual i hv to report to skool at 8. n i was told by mdm not to conduct reding clinic coz she needed me n nana to choreograph a welcoming malay dance. song by siti nurhaliza. im not sure if u have ever heard of it. it was from the sahmura album, ya maulai. so ya we were like cracking our brains n dance dance dance from 10.00 to 1.00. the tiredness was unbearable la. the feelings was like during my skool days when i was in my malay dance society. dance dance dance. my feet kinda aching la.

after work, im out wit huda, mai n sis. yeah. huda asked the day before if we're planning to go out the next day. n i said anything la. n we agreed. it was fun la goin wit them. i tot its goin to be drop dead bored la. at first i tot i wont be goin out coz i cant send lesbo aidah off to vietnam, n i dun have the usual bunchies to slack wit. then huda asked me out so ya there goes the plan of the day. planned to go to the mega perdana but then changed plan. coz faiz comel made me change the idea of watching it.

so me, huda n mai n my sis went to bras basah complex. before tt, we had our brunch at raffles city BK. then after tt, bought a few nuts n chocs n gummies at nuts n munch. then head to art friends at bras basah complex. bought a few brushes n sponges for painting purposes. pencils of different shades. huda n my sis made a fool of themselves. seriously. they behave weird i tell u. they played wit the brushes. they got really excited when they saw the different types of palletes. they got really all hyper when they saw the different types of sponges. the brushers became their eyeshadows thingy. the sponges became their rouge brush. the tiny brushes became their lip liner. they behave bimbotically la. haha. they had a great time making a fool of themselves. me n mai was like trying our very best to run away from them. such a maluation.

then went to their 5 stories popular bookstores. bought harry potter, their latest series. then grab a few other stuffs to redeem my 30 dollars vouchers. well i share it wit mai coz we both won the 2nd place for the tee shirt design contest. i redeemed it for my sketch book worth 8 plus and my acrylic paint worth 11 plus. mai got for herself a book worth 16 plus if im not mistaken. i have to top up 3 bux extra.

done wit the shopping, we headed to mac d's located beside the bras basah complex n slacked outside it. bought ice lemon tea n milo for ourselves. we laughed. sang stoooopid songs. shared the most never-tot-of-stories that we would be able to discuss. it was a great day spent wit the girlies. well the three of them dress up in pink n left me wit the most slackiest dressing. i wore jeans wit my designed sneakers n dirty green tee, wit back tudung n black speckie. the three of them put on make up n left me wit the most dead-looking face. well its jus tt i din apply blusher n glossy. onie powder, a very thin eye liner n a lil bit of lip balm. we left mac at ard 6.15 coz i have to meet fazil n the rest of the slackers at orchard at 6.30.

the journey will not be long, so we bounced back to marina then towards orchard. i alighted at orchard leaving my girlies. bid them good bye n im all alone. when i reached there, fazil called n asked where was i. so i told him i waited for him outside at the staircase. i was so frightened wit the crowd n the mats. they will be like giving u a sinister smile n wicked wink. i sms fazil to hurry up. n i sms faiz to hurry too. he was concerned n comfort me by telling me he will be reaching soon. lucky dee called saying tt shes coming. we hugged each other real tite when we saw n there goes our update-each-other thingy. at first she said shes not coming. but changed her mind. so after the rest of the slackers reached, after the lots of hoo-haas we headed to adidas boutique. faiz sayang wants to buy for himself an adidas bag. so he bought for himself a huge brown bag.

fazil was monkey look-a-like when hes baldy. his ears was sticking out. cute la but got tt monkey look-a-like. so there are like 8 ppl in all. (dee, i noe the rest of their names okie..)

1. me
2. dee
3. fazil gong
4. boy (fazil's cousin)
5. faiz comel
6. yaya (hes soooo cute!)
7. oli
8. rin (oli's gf)
9. daryl (my skoolmate over at mfss. hes super dooper hot lor!)

so after the adidas, we headed to far east to have dinner. tts where we met oli n gf. then faiz decided to go to cahaya. i was like making the i-dun-like-cahaya face. summore i dun like eating there coz its smokey, stuffy, smelly n sooo packo. wit ppl. excluding the minas n mats. n so i complained to faiz.

me: "faiz sayang, can we go somewhere else? somewhere not smokey, not stuffy n smelly. aku tak suka la kat sini. ramai la. some other place please.."

faiz: " huda sayang nak gi maner? suggest ar.."

n so i suggested tt we go to basement n eat at ramen ten. hehe. it was everyones first time. yaya was cute. he asked for food tt was not in the list. damn funny la tt guy. told dee tt hes cute. n dee told me tt oli looked like someone we ever knew. while waiting for the food, after we got our seats, we listen to these bunch of army guys telling us their ns experiences. all those u dun wanna hear stories n eveyrthing la. non-stop laughing. i have to keep quiet for a moment coz had a slight headache.

after the dinner, (faiz blanja k), dee had to leave. so left me n the rest. headed to mac cafe, but it was packo. headed to lido mac cafe, but then the smoking area was full. then went to bk at wheelock, n sat there for a drink n chit chat. n sing sing. oli have a really good voice man. he sang n wat faiz said was true. his voice was superb. they curik2 hisap coz we sat at non-smoking area. after tt we head to wisma and slack again outside topshop. chit chat again. sing. dance. they smoked. n dance again. sing. n it was almost 11 then they decided to leave coz yaya wanna watch football. so off to the mrt. faiz sent me off. reached home at 11.45pm.

on my way home, lesbo fee sms-ed me. she told me bout stranger tagged me again. this time round, his immatuarity was revealed.

frankly speaking, this stranger is really immature lor. it sounded like someone whom we both knew from the past. damn bloody immature. i wasnt really pissed la but then fee noe wat i mean. well wat more can i say? loser morpho has nothing better to do.

to stranger, ure welcome to tag n ure welcome to say anything. so long as it keeps u satisfied n happy, im okie wit it. i noe for sure tt eventho im fat, at least i dun beg food from u. n tt i have a better thing to do. n i jolly well knew tt i dun fake ard. well like i mentioned earlier on, if u have the gut, reveal the truth. coz immatures arent really the type tt i shud be wasting my time wit. and let me tell u this, watever tt u tagged, it doesnt hurt me a bit. ya tts for sure.

ouh n in case u tot im gonna stop blogging, or like sad n disturbed, u guess wrong psycho. coz nth can bring me down. i have my own dignity but im not soooo stupid to fall for ur negative remark. me getting a life? how bout u urself get a life. well tt is if u have any. try growing up first before commenting on someone else. ya?

n to my loyalties, if im faking, then its up to u then to continue reading my bloggie. count on the years tt ive been blogging.

to stranger, reveal the true you. i dun beg, but im just telling u for the best.

so long n goodnite loyalties.