today mark the day i lost him.

Muhd Jeffry Bin Jamail.

And i have to cancel all Fatimah Mohsin's stuffs.

i felt totally bereaved. lugubrious.

to, u noe hu..

it was crazy on sunday nite. i wasnt really expecting u to msg-ed me. but u did. clarifying things out. so i tot tts it. we're back to how we use to b. but u poped out a qn which u shudnt have asked me. no no. dun mistook me. i dun wanna b so secretive, but the thing is im confused. whether to tell u dat im attached or not.

reasons im confused. well. i was really in a puzzle state. to tell or not to tell. if i were to tell,im scared tt u will b like 'so wat' kinda thing. n if i dun tell,i tink i dun have to tell wat will happen coz it already happened. n it sux.

i did not expect this to happen tho. i was interested in getting to noe more bout u. but the thing is u never showed a sign. i mite be leading u on,but tts jz me. tt is the real me. i never lead anyone on. n ya for sure,i love to have a friend who is awesomely a good listener. it happened coincidentally tt ure a good listener. we share n chatted almost anything under the sun. was it really my fault n totally to be blame tt u seriously mad at me for no tellin u the truth?

well the truth is. u never showed me a sign tt u too interested in gettin to noe me better. u said u moved on since u knew me. but no i dun tink so. our late nite talks,its always about her. so to always cut tt conversation,n pay back kinda thing,i tok endlessly bout fahmi. but no,u never realise on tt. it was hurtful. sadly,truth hurt. surpassingly.

there was this one nite,tt i wanted to tok to u so bad. and ure leavin for malacca the next day. i tot i wanna have a different conversation wit u. but no. there u go,getting all emo,tellin me bout how much u miss her. n wondering wat shes doin. n think if shes happy rite now. i cant blame u. no absolutely not. but i cant take it anymore. n i cant lie to myself no more. i made an excuse, to jz end the conversation abruptly.

u said u rmb this nite. i really hope u vividly rmb this nite. its hurtful ya noe.

n now. u decided not to continue our frienship. u remain complete silent n din reply to my last msg. its the most saddening nite. saddening sunday nite.
n today, the whole day i went all gloomy. totally in doldrums. well wat do u care rite? afterall like wat u said....

"nasi da menjadi bubur pun..."

so ok la. i still wan us to be friends. close friends like how we used to. but u dun wan. i cant say anything.
im so...

mournful.
cheerless.
n languishing.

im so sorry. i noe i broke ur heart. seriously sincerely sorry.

from,the girl who was once ur fren,n who once ever like u.

******

but im happy jep is wit me. n ohh ya. u tot im wit fahmi. high chances wit him. u tot wrong.
im so sorry to u. i din meant to break ur heart. i jz dunnoe tt u moved on. i dunnoe tt u too interested in gettin to noe me better. in depth.

haiz.

totally joyless.

niway, jep dunnoe anything bout this. gonna tell him bout this.

ok. how shud i start todays entry. its gonna b maghrib in any minute. so short n simple will do i guess.

azean getting engage today to rahman after isya'. sooo happy for her. n this yr,iMAN gonna have iMAN baby soon. nez due in 3 mths time. then insya allah, noni n su will leave the single mingle world n enter the wifey world. by end of this yr. nana n fee n fad, very happy wit their own abg. far also. n erm, ouh ya. i miss out midah. she too gonna enter the wifey world dunnoe this june i tink. but the earliest amongst all gonna b nuran. this april,if im not mistaken.

wish u both Nuran n Laili happiness aite.

then me? hehe im oways happy. attached or single or attached or single. attached. fahmi msg-ed me says he wanna meet. i have to decline. i dun wan to feel being leading on. n moon is a very nice person. he is the most cool n awesome fren. zul's fiance, zulaika, jz reached s'pore. from brisbane australia. she have this modelling assigment. shes gonna appear in some designer brand lingerie. well shes got great asset. salute her for her bravery.

im goin out later after maghrib. to zean's house of coz. shes getting engage rmb? now i havent prepare for her any gift..wth~?!

kk. im goin off for now.

gift~

*salamz*

ive been doing lots of thinking for these few nites. i guess somone is trying to ignore me. or specifically tryin to avoid me. well wats up wit tt?
one minute hello there, ure funny. the other minute, silence.

no more call. msg-es. forwarded sms. y?

***

skool was fun. n m so happy at last i got to take pic wit afiq. hehe. then b4 e went home,he said i love u to me. haiz.

*heart melt*

so after work,my brain suddenly cant think anymore. i was merely sittin in my classroom n stare at the floor. ant even to twitch my nose. the questionaires tt running thru my brains are continuously running ard. left unspoken.

fee paid the taxi fares. shes rushing for some dinner thingy wit him. today jep-rey's mom 56 bday. i was asked to come to kak ita's house, but i was jz too shy to meet the relatives. well altho im kinda miss his nieces n nephew. kakak, adik n boboy.

bonafide vintage flavour is soo cool. its a combi. combi of 2 hot flavours. collaboration i think the word tt is. bonafide is him n mark. while vintage flavour is also by another local artist duo, natalie n danny. vintage flavours is a mix of funk,soul,hip hop and a touch of Jazz. cool aye.
so yar, support the locals!

WTH?!

***

i started to feel insecure. i tink onie la. but cudnt really make it up to it. sometime i feel this, sometime tt. something horrible. n even worse, horrendous! but..

i dunnoe.

gtg aite.

salam alaiki.

n so i promise tt i will update rite. here we go.

anything interesting? i dun tink so. but seriously enjoying the lil bits of time i can have wit
my kiddos. i can have my yale n kingston all to myself. get to do things on my own n my way. dun really have to care wat others have to think. one reason. my ustazah is away. shes @iman jurong.
but shes coming back this sat.

so. it starting again. soon.

bad news. i cant go to the goo-goo-gaa-gaa party. dammit. sth came up last min. n i tink them gonna b piss at me. coz i noe. ive bubbled them for 2 or 3 straight yrs. its all not on purpose. but im really trying my very best to make it.

then ytd fahmi msg-ed me. i was asleep. he msg-ed me saying tt he still do rmb me. by right i wanna reply to tt msg, but by left, im jz to exhausted n dead cold n buried, so i'll pass it. when i woke up this morn,read the msg, felt stupid for not actually replying to sms-es.

arrgh. forget it.
its a forwarded msg. maybe somone or specificallya gerl sent it to him n he forward it to me.
so no big deal i guess.
im so not gonna like it. he is leading me on.
but i love him.
dammit.

ouh. tunnel now re-open.
@ big splash. moon called me n wan me to tag along. well its not in da house la. but i have to let it go. coz ive yet to receive my cash. my pay. my salary. my wages. wat else? im waiting n waiting patiently. the first one i gonna ask out will b ma family. then my aki n opah. then feecoyid. then bell. or vice versa. bell or feecoyid, it doesnt matter tho.

im so gonna love afiq faisal. n im gonna be very angry wit a'rash. afiq is soooo cute. how i wished i cud post the video. he sang to me the barney i love u song. it was soooper doooper cute. love him to the max. bout a'rash,i dunoe wats up wit him. almost everyday came to skool crying. i dunnoe wats buggin him.

n PG is always rushing. i hate tt.

im so dehydrated. my skin is telling me tt is.
my lips are peeling. my palm looks n feels kinda try.
i need water. lots of 'em. n my throat. it sores so bad. the cough worsen it.
n he gonna be sooooo mad if he gots to find out tt i actually drink cold water every morning!

if he gots to find out. i noe hu will tell him. it wud be no other than fee or nez. it is sooo ez for nez. they live jz next block to each other. n nez kinda noe him.

i wan my narnia back!

return it to me...

nez..tlg aku~!

i wanna blog.

but american top model is now on.

so how..?

miss on this ya..

teehee!

i have a very seriously no shame gerlfren. well we've been frens for donkey years n yeah amazingly we're goin strong. wat really amused me was n frankly speaking shameful about was tt she dare to open up her mouth bout her first experience in bed.

WTH!

n i was like "hmm..uh huh.. ahh ic.. serious? shud be la ah.. i guess so.. ya kind of..uhh hmm.." coz i was partially speechless. as i have no comment on wat she was bz storytelling. i told my bestie fee bout it,n she too was like WTH!

k skool was fun jz now. i tink its bcoz my ustazah was not ard. shes not MIA or on MC but shes supposed to report to iMAN Jurong. i was supposed to report to Jurong but it seems tt the intake was small,so they onie need 1 teacher n 1 ustazah. nana n fauziah went. n so shahidah took over her place. n my ear can rest in peace.

and apparently im head over heels bout a few stuffs. m not sure if i shud mention it all coz the truth is wat recently had happened was seriously n frankly rare. i can be very confused n overly emotional. but no worries aite to all my dearies out there. im doin fine. jz fine. totally n awesomely fine. heh.

the goo goo gaa gaa got great plans for her. we're turning 20 this yr. n we're celebrating hers. its gonna be grool. i mean great. but i wanna say cool too. peh. erm. cant really mention in here tho. scared tt she mite actually check things out in here. so zip it aite!

i think i wanna blabber on n on n on. its been like ages ive updated a lengthy one. ohh yah. i read this book. titled "intuition". cant reallt recall who is the author tho. but for sure hes a local one. a malay local writer. sabiq sth sth la. cant afford to recall it. it was great. n theres lots of suspense n evil thoughts. to communicate wit sumone using the telepathy kinda thingy, n by having such powers like technopath, this is so cooool! n able to did things like bewitch alah u noe the twitching ur noise kinda thing. hehe. telekinetic la beb!

n erm. it was a something on sunday nite. he called n pour out the sadness, the hoping n the loving n the care n concern yada yada story. n tt he is someone who ever dissed me for someone else. hmm. all these fakers n immatures..

n here is the conversation btwn me n my "very friendly" neighbour:

(under the void deck, waiting for the elevator. me busy digging my bag. he bz looking at me)

him : baru balik keje ke?
me : eh tak la. baru balik holiday. (rolled eyes) (but smiling la.) (heh)
him : haha. (fake laugh) kelakar la u. da makan?
me : belom. nak belanja ke?
him : alah u ni. i tanya je. abang tak amik ke?

(the elevator door opened. i stepped in first. then him.)

me : HAH? pe die..? (step tk dengar la konon..)
him : tak. i tanya u rasa helmet i nie mcm kemik ke..? (showing me his helmet. which is obviously not dented~!)
me : hehehe. tak abang keje la.

(the door open. i walked out. turned back,smile at him n say..)

me : tactic zaman i sec 3 la nak pikat2...

(him tunduk malu la beb~!)

hahahahahhahaha!